�Who Says You Can�t Teach an Old Dog a New Trick or Two�

Today I was talking to one of my sons about integrity and after a lengthy discussion in became clear to us that integrity really has nothing to do with what is right or wrong, moral or immoral, religious or nonreligious. In fact it appeared quite clear that integrity is a personal, distinct part of us; a personal, internal sense of guidance; a personal, state of self trust and a personal barometer that alerts us to a deeper understanding in making choices that allow us to feel OK about the choices we do make and ultimately allows us to feel good about our self.

Now I just wonder when the day will come that we as parents find the courage to trust our children with the right to make their own choices based upon their own sense of self – without the need to push age old ideals, revered beliefs and our personal directives upon them.

Does Mommy or Daddy really know best?

When my children were 4 and 5 years old I bought a book by Melody Beattie called “Codependent No More.” I had no idea why I bought it nor did I have any idea what I was getting myself into, BUT I’ve always trusted my higher power to guide me as to what books I should read and amazingly, I’ve never been let down.

The interesting thing was that when I first read this book I thought OMG she’s written this book about my wife. However once the information had time to percolate the lights finally came on and I realized that it was me that the book was written about.

You know it’s funny how self honesty has its way of wiggling if we are willing to work at change and humble ourselves. In any case big changes have happened in my life over the past 6 years and to be 100% honest I’m really looking forward to the next 6 years and the 6 years after that and the next 6 years and … you see in my past honesty and humility weren’t who I was they were something I felt I had the right to adjust when adversity arose but now that the door has been opened I personally can see how positively honesty impacts my life and how it allows me to love myself and in return give away what I have. So how do I handle adversity – with honesty and that’s all I can do.

Here’s a little story that adds a nice flavor to accepting adversity!

Potatoes, Eggs and Coffee

Once upon a time, a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn’t know how she was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.

Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot. He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter.

The daughter moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing. After twenty minutes, he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.

Turning to her, he asked, “Daughter, what do you see?”

“Potatoes, eggs, and coffee,” she hastily replied.

“Look closer,” he said, “and touch the potatoes.” She did and noted that they were soft.

He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.

“Father, what does this mean?” she asked.

He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs, and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity, the boiling water. However, each one reacted differently.

The potato went in strong, hard and unrelenting, but in boiling water it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard.

However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.

“Which are you?” he asked his daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

In life, things happen around us and things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.

Author Unknown

Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world.
Eckhart Tolle

In Scott Peck’s book ‘A Road Less Traveled’ he states that we as people are innately lazy. And it’s this laziness that may explain why we want and at times expect others to fulfil our deepest needs and desires. We want our spouse to give us the love we seek so that we can feel loveable. We want our children to give us the appreciation we seek so that we can feel appreciated. We want our friends to give us the acceptance we seek so that we can feel accepted. But why then, when we finally get these gifts from others is the feeling so short lived?

Why is something still missing? Well, from my understanding, we can only accept from others that which we first believe to be true of ourselves and if we are lacking that internal belief in the first place it is because we haven’t done the work necessary to have obtained it, whether it is love, appreciation, acceptance or whatever. Yes the truth is – we haven’t done the work – YET!

So how do we go about actually obtaining the needs we so deeply desire? Well first off we need to take action; if we want to feel love we must be willing to give love away – unconditionally without any expectation of getting anything back. It must be a gift! Now I know this may be hard to comprehend to start, because far too often we have been trained to blame others for our predicaments and feelings, but if you take a moment and look back over your life you will find that the times when you felt the most love was when you were giving love away to someone else, the times when you felt the most appreciated was when you were appreciating someone else and the times when you were feeling most accepted was when you were accepting others.

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love.
Lao Tzu

So the next time you are feeling really good stop and take a moment to see what it is that you are giving away and once you accept this little skill as the truth – you will find that you will have more control over your life and with that control come self respect and with self respect come self love – so it’s all good.