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Don’t you just wish?

That every day cast a ray of sunshine upon your life,

That every day the pot of gold at your rainbow came alive,

That every night empowered your dreams from a moon beam from a far,

Don’t you just wish?

That each day caressed your soul with the warmth of a gentle breeze,

That each day carried away the sadness you wear upon your sleeve,

That each night your wish arrived on the tail off a falling star,

Don’t you just wish?

That each day’s tears were whisked away on a rolling tide,

That each day a fluffy white cloud carried away your fears and pride,

That each night the love of your life would hold you in their arms,  

let go of the fiction and bask in the only thing that’s real – that will ever be real  – LOVE!

Today is Mother’s Day in Thailand so I added a little story about just how powerful the love of a mother can be. May we all be so blessed.

After the divorce, her teenage daughter became increasingly rebellious.

It culminated late one night when the police called to tell her that she had to come to the police station to pick up her daughter, who was arrested for drunk driving.

They didn’t speak until the next afternoon.

Mom broke the tension by giving her daughter a small gift-wrapped box.

Her daughter nonchalantly opened it and found a small piece of a rock.

She rolled her eyes and said, “Cute Mom, what’s this for?”

“Here’s the card,” Mom said.

Her daughter took the card out of the envelope and read it. Tears started to trickle down her cheeks.

She got up and gave her mom a big hug as the card fell to the floor.

On the card were these words:

“This rock is more than 200 million years old. That’s how long it will take before I give up on you.”

 Author Unknown, Source Unknown

How can we speak each other’s love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done. We have spoken critical words, and we have done hurtful things. We are not proud of those choices, although they may have seemed justified at the moment. Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, “I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.” I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice of love.

Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

All I can say is that after reading this book I’ve made a conscious effort to give love – ESPECIALLY – to those with whom my past relationships were tainted with hurt and anger.

The result – I have never experienced internal peace like I have now.

I wish the same for you.  

Discovering the primary love language of your spouse is essential if you are to keep their emotional love tank full. But first, let’s make sure you know your own love language. …

What is your primary love language? What makes you feel most loved by your spouse? What do you desire above all else? If the answer to those questions does not leap to your mind immediately, perhaps it will help to look at the negative use of love languages. What does your spouse do or say that hurts you deeply? If, for example, your deepest pain is the critical, judgmental words of your spouse, then perhaps your primary love language is “Words of Affirmation.” If your primary love language is used negatively by your spouse – that is, does the opposite – it will hurt you more deeply than it would hurt someone else because not only is he neglecting to speak to your primary love language, he is actually using that language as a knife to your heart.

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

I think from Gary’s comments above, we can see that if we are not meeting the needs of our partner’s love language we are in effect not showing or giving them love as they know love.

Obviously this in of itself will create problems within a relationship, but there is another culprit that at times gets in the way, even when we know exactly what we need to be offering to our partner. Now I can’t speak for others, but for myself, at times my ego demands that my needs be met first. At these times it seems like only after my needs are met – will my ego relinquish control and consider meeting the needs of my partner.

The challenge, control my ego, meet my partners love language needs and have the faith that in time, things will fall into place.

Yesterday I was listening to Dr. Norm Shealy. He stated that 40% of Americans are clinically depressed, 20% of Americans are one or two points away from being clinically depressed and that 80% of all American’s are unhappy.

YIKES!! No wonder marketers make a fortune selling superficial products that provide a moment of happiness. If we keep buying we can at least feel as if we are staying ahead of our unhappiness.

He goes on to explain multiple causes for our depression from difficult child births, religious belief that we are born in sin, anger, guilt to mastering our own demise.

He then goes on to explain multiple ways in which we are able to reduce our depression; working out, having a massage, listening to relaxing music, eating natural foods, sex (beer commercials have this one down.)

He also states that studies show that the majority of people who have died from cancer or heart disease suffered from depression.

Then he goes on to say that there is a cure for depression – a changing of the way we process our thoughts.

If you wish to dig a little deeper here is his website:  http://www.normshealy.com

I’m not sure if this is still available - listen to Dr. Norm Shealy here:  http://attendthisevent.com/?eventID=13578420

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.”
~Marcus Aurelius

Such actions as cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning a commode, changing the baby’s diaper, dusting the bookcase, keeping the car in operating condition, paying the bills, trimming the shrubs, walking the dog, changing the cat’s litter box, and dealing with landlords and insurance companies are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.

People tend to criticize their spouses most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

I love the line – If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love. 

What we give in life is exactly what we get back.

A few years back I heard a story of an old monk and his willingness to give acts of service. As the story goes a young monk from another country was visiting the temple and became interested in this old monk working away cleaning vegetables in the blazing heat, sweat pouring down his face. He asked “Excuse me may I ask how old you are?” The old monk replied “Somewhere in my 80’s.” The young monk took a moment to think and then asked, “There are many young monks here that would do this for you if you ask them. Then you can rest in the shade.” The old monk replied “If I don’t do it, who will?”

Why would we want someone else to do our work – if they are doing our job, who will do theirs?

Buddhist teaching states “If you are to do something – do it to the best of your ability.” Whatever your job is makes little difference in the grand scheme of your life. However, how you approach your job makes all the difference in your life.

As for those whose partner’s love language is “Acts of Service – well it not hard to see – they are always doing something for you.

Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than to others. That’s why individuals have different attitudes toward wedding rings. Some never take the rings off after the wedding. Others don’t even wear a wedding band. That is another sign that people have different primary love languages. If receiving gifts is my primary love language, I will place great value on the ring you have given me and I will wear it with great pride. I will also be greatly moved emotionally by other gifts that you give through the years. I will see them as expressions of love. Without gifts as visual symbols, I may question your love.

Gifts come in all sizes, colors, and shapes. Some are expensive, and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost of the gift will matter little …

There is an intangible gift that sometimes speaks more loudly than a gift that can be held in ones hand. I call it the gift of self or the gift of presence. Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly to the one whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

For me the love language “Receiving Gifts” can present a bit of a challenge, because I could personally care less if I ever receive a gift. In fact when I took the love language test I scored a perfect “0” on “Receiving Gifts.”

So what makes giving or receiving gifts a problem in my relationships? It’s not natural for me to consider this act, in fact I rarely think of gifts. For me it’s far more natural to consider the importance of “Quality Time & Words of Affirmation.” Why? Because those two are MY primary love languages – the languages I consider important – the love languages I want. Where as receiving or giving gifts, well – NO COMPRENDE!

So would it be possible for me to have a relationship with someone whose primary love language was “Receiving Gifts?” Sure – why not! It wouldn’t be easy, but – ALL I NEED TO DO!!!!!!” is go the extra mile and focus my awareness on HER needs.

Easy – no sweat – after all I know love is an act of giving, a continual challenge and in most cases flat out work. But it’s not impossible (well Gary said so – haha) – even if the task is completely foreign and far from natural from the way I normally think.

It all comes down to the point that if we give what we need and want – we may feel we are sending love – BUT – if this is not her primary love language, chances are she will still feel empty and unloved.

No wonder so many marriages end up in divorce, it’s not that we are not sending love; it’s just that we haven’t learned to speak the right language.

Yesterday a dear friend of mine went through a rather challenging experience with her brother-in-law. The specifics are not important – her resolve was.

She had a choice to allow his behavior and actions to affect her life and respond in a negative way or she had the choice to go beyond the surface, understand and grow from this experience.

Below is a little passage from “The Art of Happiness” by HH Dalai Lama

Shifting Perspective

Once there was a disciple of a Greek philosopher who was commanded by his Master for three years to give money to everyone who insulted him. When this period of trial was over the Master said to him: now you can go to Athens and learn Wisdom. When the disciple was entering Athens he met a certain wise man who sat at the gate insulting everybody who came and went. He also insulted the disciple, who burst out laughing. Why do you laugh when I insult you? said the wise man. Because, said the disciple, for three years I have been paying for this kind of thing and now you give it to me for nothing. Enter the city, said the wise man, it is all yours …

When we are ready our path will open to the next leg of our journey – the key is to be aware and to see the opportunities as they arise.

To start may I recommend that you take the following Love Language Test: 

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Ok now that you have come up with what appears to be your primary love language(s) lets get started.

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” If we take Twain literally, six compliments a year would have kept his emotional love tank at the operational level. Your spouse will probably need more. … Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple straightforward statements of affirmation, such as: “You look sharp in that suit.” “Do you ever look hot in that dress! WOW!”

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

I bet I’ve had no less than four conversations this past month with women or men and they’ve told me that their husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend should just know that they love them and there should be no need to have to put in the additional effort to communicate it! In fact at least one person told me it was silly to have to put in this kind of effort. I would have been overcome by shock had I not personally experienced a couple of divorces in my past due to just this lack of willingness and effort.

After reading this book I find it even more interesting to observe others and how one partner will give love via the love language that works best for them and not understand that while it is better than nothing its still not the primary love language that their partner is looking for. Ultimately in the end they are confused and left wondering why the partner doesn’t feel and respond favorably to all the love being sent their way.

That’s why it’s important to know your partners love language as well as your own and if we really want to improve our relationships we must be willing to give our partners what they need – unconditionally.

In any case Words of Affirmation may not be your primary love language or for that matter your partners – BUT that’s where we will start.

First off all people like to hear nice things about themselves – and it’s within all of us to be able to give this gift freely and unconditionally like the examples mentioned earlier in the quote from the book.

Additional ways in which we can express affirmation would be through words of encouragement. We all suffer from insecurity in one way or another and once we commit to a relationship we are putting all our eggs in one basket that our partner will be our pillar of support and that we can trust. What could be better than to support someone at something THEY like and want to do.

Another way to provide affirmation is through kind words, with heart felt emotion. Just because it may not be important for you to hear kind words on a daily basis doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t. Love is an act – meaning something we must do – and sometimes its down right hard work. If you want a relationship to work and get a return on your investment – make deposits daily and keep in mind the old adage – you get what you give!

And last – haha just kidding – there’s never a last when it comes to ways in which we can give affirmation to our partners. But this is very very important – make requests – a request shows respect whereas a demand is degrading and only serves to drive a wedge into the relationship.

Next week we will discuss Quality Time.

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his poorly behaved young grandson.  It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for whatever takes his interest as they walk through the aisles.

Meanwhile, the grandfather is working his way around the store, saying in a controlled voice, “easy, William, we won’t be long, take it easy boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the man calmly say, “Its okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here.  Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little boy is throwing items out of the cart, and the grandfather again states in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, no need to get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”

As the woman goes outside she sees the grandfather loading his groceries and the boy into a car.  She approaches and says to the elderly gentleman, “it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive your grandson got, you stated calm and kept saying things would be okay.  William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks, lady,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William – his name is Steve.

Possibly the greatest gift we can give to our self is the understanding that we control our emotions and choose our emotional responses.

For nearly half a century I believed that it was the actions of others that upset me, that it was the behavior of others that was creating the majority of the problems in my life. For the most part I had given up control – I lived in a world filled with BLAME and I was victim to the will and needs of others.

Today for the most part (yes the most part but not always – sucks to be human) I choose to control my life and how I respond to the circumstances as they unfold around me, keeping in mind that when I blame others in any given situation I am giving up control and the opportunity to improve the situation and hopefully not make things worse.

“Some favorite expressions of small children:

“It’s not my fault. . . They made me do it. . . I forgot.”

Some favorite expressions of adults:

“It’s not my job. . . No one told me. . . It couldn’t be helped.”

True freedom begins and ends with personal accountability.”

Dan Zadra