�Who Says You Can�t Teach an Old Dog a New Trick or Two�

A few months back my buddy had a heart attack. It was pretty serious and it was touch and go for a while there. He has always been a hard worker, with a bit of a short fuse, but all in all a great friend.

What I’m getting at is that for years he was completely focused on his immediate goals and needs. Rarely had time to visit his kids; worked hard dawn til dusk and pushed himself intensely.

Well, I had the opportunity to spend time with him over the past week and while he’s still the same great friend – the heart attack has changed him and it’s a good thing.

He told me he’s no longer going to bust his butt for an extra buck in the bank, he’s going to appreciate life for what it has to offer. He’s going to be more available for his family and he’s going to enjoy each day to the best of his ability. AND he’s doing it!

BUT the coolest part was watching his self discipline and emotional control. The doctors told him not to push his heart over 90 BPM, so every time it reached that level no matter what he was doing he stopped. He accepted the doctor’s advice and he works with it – not against it. He also controls his emotions by accepting the frustration that his normal speed of 200 MPH is no longer attainable or at least right now and he lives with it and doesn’t fight it.

In any case, if you think that this type of behavior is easy to attain or is an obvious forgone conclusion that everyone just does it because they need to – just look in the cemetery. It’s tough to give up old ways regardless of what the implications might be.

I rarely discuss religion in a public forum, but this needs to be addressed by everyone in the West – well at least in my opinion.

Right now 1/5 of Pakistan is under water and 97% of Pakistani people are Muslim. The country that is providing the most humanitarian aid is the USA and that is the best way to fight terrorism.

Really, if the West is seen as the good guys in this situation, they win the support of the masses over there, and that needs to be promoted.

Then it can be taken a step further. Just think if the US military allocated one minute of their annual defense budget towards education in an Islamic 3^rd world country like Indonesia – they could provide quality education for every child for one year.

Sure we will never be able to stop the current Islamic extremists, they’ve already been brain washed or should I say suffer from a lack of education. BUT if the Western World were to educate the children, and show them the West are the ones who are in fact improving their lives they would over time, certainly have enough education to question some of the misleading or inaccurate age old doctrines that now, appear to go unchallenged.  

And if you don’t think things will change with improved education, just look back at our Christian based history. In the 1950’s women here may not have worn hibayas, but they certainly weren’t treated as equals either. Check out the Guidelines for a 1950’s Housewife.

Oh ya one last thing. The Muslim people fighting for a mosque at Ground Zero in New York (if anything it does raise questions) are creating a great deal of negative press at a time that millions and millions of fellow Muslims in Pakistan don’t need it. Again it is the US (predominantly Christians) that comes to the aid of Muslims in crisis – just look back at the tsunami in Indonesia – the USA gave $902,000,000 where all Muslim countries together only gave $177,500,000.00 – not even one quarter.

This is a story I think needs to be told.

Today I was talking to one of my sons about integrity and after a lengthy discussion in became clear to us that integrity really has nothing to do with what is right or wrong, moral or immoral, religious or nonreligious. In fact it appeared quite clear that integrity is a personal, distinct part of us; a personal, internal sense of guidance; a personal, state of self trust and a personal barometer that alerts us to a deeper understanding in making choices that allow us to feel OK about the choices we do make and ultimately allows us to feel good about our self.

Now I just wonder when the day will come that we as parents find the courage to trust our children with the right to make their own choices based upon their own sense of self – without the need to push age old ideals, revered beliefs and our personal directives upon them.

Does Mommy or Daddy really know best?

Today I was watching the sparrows, ducks, geese and squirrels running around in the park. To me it was simply amazing that they could live completely within the moment and at least from my perspective, appear happy. In fact not one of these animals, not even a squirrel was hording food for tomorrow or appeared concerned about the future.

So what is it that makes humans so different and why do we need more and more? 

I mean once we have a roof over our head and enough food to eat, just what is it that pushes us to add all the extras that really plays no part what-so-ever in improving our life – in fact most of it ends up in a garage or a basement?

For me the interesting question is; when is enough, enough and more importantly why?

Or has our internal pain become so great that our only hope for happiness is to throw up enough smoke to trick ourselves that an inflated external persona will fill the void we have internally?

When we walk a separate path we will always spark query in others.

Last night I was reading an interesting book, “The 4 – Hour Work Week” written by Timothy Ferriss. The objective of the book is to cut back on the hours we work and reclaim what really counts most in our life – living.

It’s funny how once we become aware of a condition – confirmation readily appears. Yesterday my son asked me, “Dad when you had lots of money wasn’t your life easier than today?” My reply, “Certainly not!” I went on to explain that the more we have the more we need and the faster the rat race closes in on us. With more we have more repairs, more maintenance, more expenses, more, more, more.

Now I have it made – I have nothing to hold me down – one duffle bag. I am free to go where I need to go and of greater importance I have the awareness to follow my intuition and trust the direction that I’m pointed in.

Back to the book, Timothy equates the first 10 minutes of sorting through his clothing like choosing which child should live or die. How could he ever throw out things that at one time were good enough to spend money on.

For me, when I took this leap of faith – I determined that others needed all my extra clothing more than I. What do I mean by extra clothing – more than 5 outfits. OMG!!! I can hear the gasps now. But you see, no longer do I concern myself with impressing others with my external wares, I now concern myself with warmth and comfort and who I am as a person.    

Speaking of confirmation – as I was beginning to write, a friend of my son’s girlfriend stated that she had just read an article where a group of women are wearing the same clothes for 30 straight days (of course they are washing them) – but they are loving it – they can change accessories like a belt or shoes, but the clothes remain the same. I guess they’ve all learned what I’ve learned – that a smaller wardrobe cuts back on all the wear and tear on deciding what to wear – now all they have to do is shave their heads.

We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have reached that conclusion: Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.

Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all common ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will bring pleasure to her.

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

After reading this book and consciously taking steps to apply what I’d read to my daily interactions with my sons, my parents and friends, I was amazed at the positive impact they were having.

That being said the love language of “Physical Touch” had never been a strong suit of mine. OK – I’m a guy so sex and any foreplay to get to sex was pretty much what I believed to be the extent of touching. Holding hands, walking arm in arm or sitting close – well they never really crossed my mind – WHY – because “I” felt uncomfortable doing it. But after reading this book I’m aware that “Physical Touch” is important to one of my sons. So even though it may feel strange to me I throw the occasional arm around his shoulder and if you think this is all hog wash – come and catch a glimpse of the smile that erupts on his face each time I give this simple little gesture of love.

Just because one love language is the furthest thing from my mind – doesn’t mean it’s not the number one priority to the person I am interacting with.

The other day I was sitting here in the living room and a TV show came on – “Hell’s Kitchen” I couldn’t believe my ears. The verbal abuse I was hearing made the TV show cops look like PG 13.

But what makes things worse, at least in my opinion is that after a bit of research I found out that this show was the top rated show in the US for that hour.

That begs the question “What kind of society are we living in that not only promotes but patronizes verbal abuse?”

We worry about children being affected by violent TV and video games, but what kind of a message are we sending to them when we condone that verbal abuse is acceptable when someone makes a mistake?

Simon Cowell has made it acceptable practice on his show “American Idol” to demean people that don’t meet up to his expectations and Donald Trump fired Cyndi Lauper on his show “The Apprentice” because she told the truth. Had she been deceitful and not disclosed the truth he insinuated that he would have allowed her to stay. (Is this now acceptable business practice in N. America?)

That being said, I believe the choice to watch these shows is up to each individual, however to find joy in the failings of others doesn’t eliminate our pain – it’s just a band aid for those who are unaware that there is a better way.

If we keep our thoughts and our actions positive we have a much greater opportunity of finding the positive that life has to offer – even in times of dispair.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything.

What we think we become.

The Buddha

This week we move on to “Quality Time”, which interestingly enough is my primary love language.

By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on a couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, ABC or NBC has your attention – not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You’d think they went there to eat!

Five Practical Tips

1)     Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.

2)     Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.

3)     Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”

4)     Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the other is feeling.

5)     Refuse to interrupt. Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas.

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

Let me again state how amazing I found this book and how it has opened my eyes as to how I can better interact with others, but first let me set the record straight – I don’t believe there is one Self – Help book out there that has made one tangible change in my life.

Then why do I read them? Because they are intriguing? Yes! Because they are insightful? Yes! Because they are interesting? Yes! Because they are inspirational? Yes! I even read them because they are entertaining, BUT life changing – NO – WHY? Because change must come from within – change must occur through MY actions. Now that doesn’t mean some of these books haven’t provided a spark that has ignited an awareness in areas in my life that needs work – because they have – BUT – again it is “I” that needs to act, because without action knowledge is pretty much useless.

So here is my example of how this book has opened my eyes and how I have chosen to act.

Prior to reading this book I found it offensive when my son would read or send a text message while he was talking to me. (Based upon the perceived Western manors of my generation this may be offensive – but in Eastern culture the masses would not be offended – so a blanket assumption on what’s right and wrong doesn’t cut it here.)

In any case after reading this book I realized why his actions impacted me the way they do, because my primary love language is “Quality Time” and when I didn’t receive it from him I didn’t feel acknowledged or that he cared. But for my son, “Quality Time” is not a primary component of his love languages and thus not a priority. (Not to mention that his generation is perfectly OK with texting and holding a conversation at the same time.)

So how have I chosen to act? I have chosen to take responsibility to communicate my need for “Quality Time” with my son and to be patient with his response.

I don’t think it makes sense to impose my generation’s beliefs and rules upon him – BECAUSE – if past generations rules were still being imposed on me I’d likely still be living in a cave. But what I do think is important is that I teach him that all people are different and all people have different needs in the hopes that he might understand how his efforts and time in understanding and addressing a person’s love language (s) will for the most part enhance his relationships.

Next week “Receiving Gifts”

If you need a little inspiration in your Second Fifty – here are a few people that can certainly lead the way.

91 Year Old Water-skier

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8tQAdopfTo

101 Year Old Marathon Runner

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=X1kWR1RPxbk&feature=related

Old Male Gymnast

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=MLQ3Uz4ALb0&feature=related

73 Year Old Breakdancer

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=sJEaGPm2cTg&feature=related

79 Year Old Bodybuilder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbH1iqRulac

73 Year Old College Basketball Player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvkmqbgUU_E

61 Year Old College Football Player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IvwcPa6-EY

Have we become complacent? Are we caught up in our own little worlds? Do we no longer care about future generations.

When I was young we spoke out against Vietnam – a completely senseless war. Today we have Iraq. Obviously we didn’t learn anything – when we have wars mothers lose their children, women and men lose their spouses, and children lose their parents and men and women come back with mental scars for life.

Yes sometimes we need to defend ourselves – but that was not the case in Iraq. Iraq was senseless unless your portfolio includes a big stake in oil.

Then there was the Exxon Valdez disaster – As many as half a million birds died. Over 30,000 carcasses of 90 species of birds were plucked from the beaches, but this was only a fraction of the actual mortality, and harm to birds from chronic effects and decreased reproduction continues today and that is only the tip of that iceberg. Today we have the Gulf of Mexico – an NBC News report on June 11th stated that scientists claimed that the amount of oil being spilled in the Gulf of Mexico was the equivalent of “one Exxon Valdez spill every one to 10 days.”

So why do we put our family and oceans at risk?

The list of electric cars and carburetors that get over a hundred miles per gallon is countless and have been around for years. So why are we all still slaves to oil? I’m sure we all know, but what I’m interested in most - what is it going to take before we make our voices really heard and then take the action necessary to precipitate change?