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This week we move on to “Quality Time”, which interestingly enough is my primary love language.

By “Quality Time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on a couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, ABC or NBC has your attention – not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You’d think they went there to eat!

Five Practical Tips

1) Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.

2) Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.

3) Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”

4) Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the other is feeling.

5) Refuse to interrupt. Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas.

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

Let me again state how amazing I found this book and how it has opened my eyes as to how I can better interact with others, but first let me set the record straight – I don’t believe there is one Self-Help book out there that has made one tangible change in my life.

Then why do I read them? Because they are intriguing? Yes! Because they are insightful? Yes! Because they are interesting? Yes! Because they are inspirational? Yes! I even read them because they are entertaining, BUT life changing – NO – THEN WHY? Because change must come from within -change must occur through MY actions. Now that doesn’t mean some of these books haven’t provided a spark that has ignited an awareness in areas in my life that needed work – because they have – BUT – again it is “I” that needs to act, because without action knowledge is pretty much useless.

So here is my example of how this book has opened my eyes and how I have chosen to act.

Prior to reading this book I found it offensive when my son would read or send a text message while he was talking to me. (Based upon the perceived Western manors of my generation this may be offensive – but in Eastern culture the masses would not be offended – so a blanket assumption on what’s right and wrong doesn’t cut it here.)

In any case after reading this book I realized why his actions impacted me the way they do, because my primary love language is “Quality Time” and when I didn’t receive it from him I didn’t feel acknowledged or that he cared. But for my son, “Quality Time” is not a primary component of his love languages and thus not a priority. (Not to mention that his generation is perfectly OK with texting and holding a conversation at the same time.)

So how have I chosen to act? I have chosen to take responsibility to communicate my need for “Quality Time” with my son and to be patient with his response.

I don’t think it makes sense to impose my generation’s beliefs and rules upon him – BECAUSE – if past generations rules were still being imposed on me I’d likely still be living in a cave. But what I do think is important is that I teach him that all people are different and all people have different needs in the hopes that he might understand how his efforts and time in understanding and addressing a person’s love language (s) will for the most part enhance his relationships.

Next week “Receiving Gifts”

To start may I recommend that you take the following Love Language Test:

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Ok now that you have come up with what appears to be your primary love language(s) lets get started.

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” If we take Twain literally, six compliments a year would have kept his emotional love tank at the operational level. Your spouse will probably need more. Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple straightforward statements of affirmation, such as: “You look sharp in that suit.” “Do you ever look hot in that dress! WOW!”

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

I bet I’ve had no less than four conversations this past month with women or men and they’ve told me that their husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend should just know that they love them and there should be no need to have to put in the additional effort to communicate it! In fact at least one person told me it was silly to have to put in this kind of effort. I would have been overcome by shock had I not personally experienced a couple of divorces in my past due to just this lack of willingness and effort.

After reading this book I find it even more interesting to observe others and how one partner will give love via the love language that works best for them and not understand that while it is better than nothing its still not the primary love language that their partner is looking for. Ultimately in the end they are confused and left wondering why the partner doesn’t feel and respond favorably to all the love being sent their way.

That’s why it’s important to know your partners love language as well as your own and if we really want to improve our relationships we must be willing to give our partners what they need – unconditionally.

In any case Words of Affirmation may not be your primary love language or for that matter your partners – BUT that’s where we will start.

First off all people like to hear nice things about themselves – and it’s within all of us to be able to give this gift freely and unconditionally like the examples mentioned earlier in the quote from the book.

Additional ways in which we can express affirmation would be through words of encouragement. We all suffer from insecurity in one way or another and once we commit to a relationship we are putting all our eggs in one basket that our partner will be our pillar of support and that we can trust. What could be better than to support someone at something THEY like and want to do.

Another way to provide affirmation is through kind words, with heart felt emotion. Just because it may not be important for you to hear kind words on a daily basis doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t. Love is an act – meaning something we must do – and sometimes its down right hard work. If you want a relationship to work and get a return on your investment – make deposits daily and keep in mind the old adage – you get what you give!

And last – haha just kidding – there’s never a last when it comes to ways in which we can give affirmation to our partners. But this is very very important – make requests – a request shows respect whereas a demand is degrading and only serves to drive a wedge into the relationship.

Next week we will discuss Quality Time.