The 5 Love Languages – Quality Time
This week we move on to “Quality Time”, which interestingly enough is my primary love language.
By “Quality Time,”Âť I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on a couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, ABC or NBC has your attention – not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You’d think they went there to eat!
Five Practical Tips
1) Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
2) Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.
3) Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”Âť
4) Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the other is feeling.
5) Refuse to interrupt. Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas.
Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages
Let me again state how amazing I found this book and how it has opened my eyes as to how I can better interact with others, but first let me set the record straight – I don’t believe there is one Self-Help book out there that has made one tangible change in my life.
Then why do I read them? Because they are intriguing? Yes! Because they are insightful? Yes! Because they are interesting? Yes! Because they are inspirational? Yes! I even read them because they are entertaining, BUT life changing – NO – THEN WHY? Because change must come from within -change must occur through MY actions. Now that doesn’t mean some of these books haven’t provided a spark that has ignited an awareness in areas in my life that needed work – because they have – BUT – again it is “I” that needs to act, because without action knowledge is pretty much useless.
So here is my example of how this book has opened my eyes and how I have chosen to act.
Prior to reading this book I found it offensive when my son would read or send a text message while he was talking to me. (Based upon the perceived Western manors of my generation this may be offensive – but in Eastern culture the masses would not be offended – so a blanket assumption on what’s right and wrong doesn’t cut it here.)
In any case after reading this book I realized why his actions impacted me the way they do, because my primary love language is “Quality Time” and when I didn’t receive it from him I didn’t feel acknowledged or that he cared. But for my son, “Quality Time” is not a primary component of his love languages and thus not a priority. (Not to mention that his generation is perfectly OK with texting and holding a conversation at the same time.)
So how have I chosen to act? I have chosen to take responsibility to communicate my need for “Quality Time” with my son and to be patient with his response.
I don’t think it makes sense to impose my generation’s beliefs and rules upon him – BECAUSE – if past generations rules were still being imposed on me I’d likely still be living in a cave. But what I do think is important is that I teach him that all people are different and all people have different needs in the hopes that he might understand how his efforts and time in understanding and addressing a person’s love language (s) will for the most part enhance his relationships.
Next week “Receiving Gifts”Âť
