“Who Says You Can’t Teach an Old Dog a New Trick or Two”

Once we have reached Step Seven in the forgiveness process, we have come to a very special place. There are certain things we have come to realize about our minds and the way we think. We may have realized that in a sense we have operated from two minds — one we call the lower self or ego, and one of a spiritual self or the place of our divinity. When we function from the lower self, we believe that responsibility for whatever has taken place is outside ourselves, not within. When we work through our higher or spiritual nature, our divinity helps us see through our illusions and misconceptions.

With forgiveness the past, although not forgotten nor rationalized away, is no longer a haunting or burdensome issue. Instead, we experience a restoration of a scene of wholeness and of inner direction and an opening up of our heart to others. We can acknowledge that others act in a way human beings do, out of their fears, needs, and perceptions, and that we are no different. This understanding makes it possible for us to live in a new and fuller way.

In order to attain a better understanding of forgiveness, we have to clean up some common misconceptions that many people hold about its meaning:

Forgiveness is not pardoning. To forgive the wrongdoer does not mean that we abolish the punishment for what was wrong.

Forgiveness is not condoning. We do not have to accept someone else’s behavior in order to forgive.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We can forgive someone but it does not mean we have to reconcile.

Finding Forgiveness – Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang

The bottom line – forgiveness is for us. It frees us from our pain and gives us the freedom to release the chains that bind us.

I strongly recommend Eileen’s book to anyone and everyone I have ever met.

Below is a story that I personally have used to better understand my relationship with myself and to better understand others – I could not have found this love had I not first found forgiveness for myself.

Back in the day of Buddha some 2,500 years ago there was a story about King Pasenadi. King Pasenadi was the ultimate ruler at the time and could have easily proclaimed death to anyone who might dispute his word or displease him. On one such occasion the king asked his wife, Queen Mallika if there was anyone more dear to her than herself. Risking her life she spoke the truth and admitted that there wasn’t. To her fortune the King, also felt the same. Later on, the King relayed this conversation to the Buddha, who responded, “Searching all directions with one’s awareness, one finds no one dearer than oneself. In the same way, others are fiercely dear to themselves. So one should not hurt others if one loves oneself.”

Please note that the Buddha, didn’t rebuke them for their selfishness. Self love is not the same as arrogance or conceit which are merely a disguise for insecurity and fear.

When we hold ourselves dear, we better understand why we shouldn’t hurt others. By loving ourselves, we are more aware and compassionate to others. The Buddha consistently taught it’s wise to look after oneself and one’s spiritual progress, so long as it causes no harm to others.

From this teaching I was able to understand a number of points within my own life; first that we are not alone in our thinking and that we all spend the majority of our time focused on our self, second that for us to truly be able to give love to others we must first love ourselves and third true self love leads to a deeper understanding of ones self which leads to expanded understanding, compassion and acceptance of others.

The other day I realized that I was struggling with an internal dilemma that I have struggled with for years. Sure I have all the intellectual answers, religious beliefs from ALL the religions and yes I have heard the words – I SHOULD – but finally I had to face the ultimate truth and accept that no matter what I’ve tried I just wasn’t getting it and to be completely honest it was killing me.

So what is this internal dilemma – FORGIVENESS!

So I went out looking for help and as always I let my higher power guide me to what I needed and on this day I was guided to the book “Finding Forgiveness – A Seven Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness.”

Forgiveness doesn’t come because someone has asked for it or has earned it.

Forgiveness is a gift given to those who choose to forgive because they don’t want the cancer of hatred to spread within them and eat them up.

The purpose of forgiveness is to empower you above and beyond those who have made you their victim.

Forgiveness is not pardoning. Forgiveness is an inner emotional release. Pardoning is a public behavioural release. To forgive a wrongdoer does not mean that we abolish the punishment for what was done. (NOT CORPORAL PUNISHMENT)

Forgiveness is not condoning. Forgiveness does not mean that you support behaviours that cause pain to yourself or others. We do not have to accept someone else’s behaviour in order to forgive.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is a personal, internal release that only involves oneself. We can forgive someone, but it does not mean we have to reconcile.

To free ourselves from that would be liberating and that freedom is what we call forgiveness.

Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang, Ed.D.

So my primary task at hand is too read this book cover to cover and applying the seven steps so that I’m equipped with the tools that I need to attain the liberation and freedom that comes through forgiveness.

In the course of our lives we often make misguided decisions that harm ourselves or others. We do this out of ignorance. We think that a certain mode of behavior will bring us happiness when in fact it brings suffering. Feelings of self-righteous anger and the urge for revenge may sometimes lead us to harm others in the mistaken conviction that it will benefit us and bring us some form of happiness. Actually, it creates suffering not only for the victims of our deeds but also for us. However justified we may feel, doing others harm, even in the name of revenge, severely disturbs our own peace of mind and creates conditions for our own suffering.

His Holiness The Dalai Lama