�Who Says You Can�t Teach an Old Dog a New Trick or Two�

To start may I recommend that you take the following Love Language Test:

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Ok now that you have come up with what appears to be your primary love language(s) lets get started.

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” If we take Twain literally, six compliments a year would have kept his emotional love tank at the operational level. Your spouse will probably need more. Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple straightforward statements of affirmation, such as: “You look sharp in that suit.” “Do you ever look hot in that dress! WOW!”

Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages

I bet I’ve had no less than four conversations this past month with women or men and they’ve told me that their husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend should just know that they love them and there should be no need to have to put in the additional effort to communicate it! In fact at least one person told me it was silly to have to put in this kind of effort. I would have been overcome by shock had I not personally experienced a couple of divorces in my past due to just this lack of willingness and effort.

After reading this book I find it even more interesting to observe others and how one partner will give love via the love language that works best for them and not understand that while it is better than nothing its still not the primary love language that their partner is looking for. Ultimately in the end they are confused and left wondering why the partner doesn’t feel and respond favorably to all the love being sent their way.

That’s why it’s important to know your partners love language as well as your own and if we really want to improve our relationships we must be willing to give our partners what they need – unconditionally.

In any case Words of Affirmation may not be your primary love language or for that matter your partners – BUT that’s where we will start.

First off all people like to hear nice things about themselves – and it’s within all of us to be able to give this gift freely and unconditionally like the examples mentioned earlier in the quote from the book.

Additional ways in which we can express affirmation would be through words of encouragement. We all suffer from insecurity in one way or another and once we commit to a relationship we are putting all our eggs in one basket that our partner will be our pillar of support and that we can trust. What could be better than to support someone at something THEY like and want to do.

Another way to provide affirmation is through kind words, with heart felt emotion. Just because it may not be important for you to hear kind words on a daily basis doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t. Love is an act – meaning something we must do – and sometimes its down right hard work. If you want a relationship to work and get a return on your investment – make deposits daily and keep in mind the old adage – you get what you give!

And last – haha just kidding – there’s never a last when it comes to ways in which we can give affirmation to our partners. But this is very very important – make requests – a request shows respect whereas a demand is degrading and only serves to drive a wedge into the relationship.

Next week we will discuss Quality Time.

Over the past week I have been reading an amazing book, “The 5 Love Languages.” Why do I say amazing – because I am completely amazed at how little I knew about this. In fact I had no idea that given this simple information and of course the willingness to act upon it, that the state of my past relationships could have been dramatically altered – if fact in my opinion, if we as a society were educated on these points, I’m convinced that the majority of divorces would never happen. Big statement for sure, considering that divorce rates hover from anywhere between 50% to 75%.

So why isn’t society educated on these points and a book like this a part of the high-school curriculum? I mean aren’t relationships a staple for a healthy, happy life?

Well maybe it might have to do school board politics and not wanting to ruffle too many feathers? Obviously in Canada it’s safer to stick with a curriculum about how some guy floated down a river a hundred years ago than it is to open a new can of worms and trespass on parental boundaries, even if the upside would be to teach children how they might be able to maintain a happy healthy relationship.

In any case for the next 6 or 7 Wednesdays I’m going to expand on this book and some of the points that I found interesting, beginning today with a little overview.

“The 5 Love Languages” was written by Gary Chapman and basically explains how each of us has a primary love language that if filled by our spouse or partner will in most cases ensure a happy and healthy relationship.

The 5 love languages are as follows: Words of affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical touch.

Throughout the book Gary explains each of the love languages with real life examples that show us how we can apply love languages to our relationships.

The book begins with a few examples of how when a person’s love language is not being met they don’t feel loved even if their partner believes in their mind and with all their heart that they are doing everything possible to show love to their partner.

He then clearly explains the difference between the Love and In-Love Experience. The In-Love Experience or romantic love has on average life span of about 18 months to 24 months. Once this period is over most people believe the love is gone and it’s time to move on. Love on the other hand is not purely about feelings and desires, but more so, about hard work. YOU MEAN LOVE DOESN’T COME NATURALLY?

Now I know that everyone has witnessed what they believe to be the perfect marriage so they can prove that it can come naturally, but in most cases that is not the point. What is happening with these perfect marriages is that both parties are speaking the same love language and the same dialect, right from the get go, thus keeping each others love tank full.

Now that doesn’t mean we need to find someone with the same love language to make it work, because nothing could be further from the truth. All we need to do is WORK at speaking our partner’s language.

Does that mean once we learn our partners love language everything will be perfect – HECK NO! But it will certainly reduce the chance that we completely drain our partner’s love tank, where we possibly put an end to the relationship.

You see when our partner first met us – we were as perfect as we could be – so if we kept her love tank full, chances are in her eyes we’d remain that way.

Next week “Words of affirmation”

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